Sarah Smiley - Great Column

Sarah Smiley is a military wife who is a fantastic writer. She has, as she writes, been a military dependent for her entire life (daughter of and wife to Navy pilots). In fact, the only time she has not had a military ID in her wallet were the six weeks between her college graduation (when children are no longer technically dependents) and her wedding.

I stumbled across this column today in a newsletter I receive and love it! She is just so honest, and perfectly describes the lifestyle. Even though there are so many variations in military life (she never moved growing up, for example, and her husband has only been on 2 deployments in their 10+ years of marriage....two very different experiences than most military brats/Marine wives I know), there are so many commonalities. On top of what all spouses do share (and what they often hide from others for fear of being misunderstood), I like Sarah Smiley because she married a Navy grad (like me), and was born during her Dad's deployment (like C) so I feel even more connected to her.

I'll stop rambling. Hope you like Sarah S!

Sarah Smiley | July 12, 2010

 

 

 

 

I have a love-hate relationship with the military. After 34 years as a dependent (I was born while my dad was on a seven-month deployment), this seems reasonable to me. Not everyone agrees. Military wives (forget the politically correct "spouse"; I'm a wife) should be selfless, upbeat and totally devoted to their husband's career. Wearing flag-motif socks and earrings is extra credit. It's the old "atta-girl" mentality. Complaining about military life is as socially unacceptable (perhaps even more so) than openly declaring that you didn't vote for Obama.

But,the truth is that more often than not, being a military wife involves hard work and sacrifice, and very few rewards (the tangible, selfish kind). Worst of all, being a modern-day woman and married to a military man is becoming increasingly difficult. 

Gone are the days when a military wife's job was to throw fantastic parties and make her husband look good. In its place is the expectation that a military wife throw fantastic parties, make her husband look good, and have a career, raise children (possibly home school them), further her own education, be well informed, and never (not ever) complain. We are 21st-Century women trapped within the confines of a 1950s mentality. When your husband moves, you move with him. When your husband has goals, you support them. When you have goals of your own, you shut up and smile. 

And yet, most military wives tell you that they love the military and its lifestyle. They aren't lying. Enter the love-hate relationship. In 2005, New York Times magazine ran a feature about me titled, "Confessions of a Military Wife." In it, the reporter nailed my complex feelings about the military when she wrote this:

"Somewhere between [Smiley's] enforced military cheer and the recurring urge to smash it, Smiley retains a child's wish, as strong and steady as a heartbeat that the military, in which she grew up, knows best. She wrestles with her fervent hopes that it will protect her and her family, even as she suspects it may not. Although she is not in the military, she is of it; it represents her entire life's experience, and she defends it as fiercely as she doubts it."

I have given many years to the military. I've moved for it, planned a wedding around it, put my career on hold for it, and even planned childbirth around it. My entire life -- from where I shop to which doctor I see to the zip code on my mailing address -- has been coordinated by the military. 

However, last year I started on a path all my own. I went back to school to pursue my master's degree and doctorate. It was a dangerous decision. "What if Dustin is transferred?" people asked. "Will you quit school to move with him?" This was always said with a subtle, incredulous tone that read between the lines, "Of course you'll move with him because you're a good military wife." 

I ignored the question as doggedly as I avoided any conversation with Dustin that included the words "transfer," "move," or "our next assignment." My eyes were on my own prize and I couldn't be sidetracked by my husband's commitment to the military. If that sounds selfish, consider that for 11 years, my husband pursued his dream without being distracted by mine. 

For more than a decade, I submitted to the military and its plans for us without thinking because there was no other choice. Dustin was committed for a predetermined number of years to payback the government for his education at the U.S. Naval Academy and, later, flight school in Pensacola, Fla. That commitment has come to an end. There's nothing holding Dustin to the military now except for his own personal commitment to our country. (Being within six years of retirement doesn't hurt either.) 

Next year, Dustin's tour in Bangor, Maine, will come to an end. Uncle Sam will move him to a new assignment in a different city and state, and I've chosen to stay behind until he gets out or retires and joins us in Maine again.

This is unthinkable to many civilians, and indeed, a good amount of military wives, too, all of whom will believe I'm putting Dustin in an impossible situation, that I am, in some way, doing something to him. Yet, I haven't asked Dustin to get out of the military. Nor have I asked him to give up on his personal commitment. In fact, I require nothing of him at all. I can't ask Dustin to abandon his plans any more than he should ask me to forfeit mine. Still, as far as I know, no one has said to him, "A good husband would stay behind with his wife."